Buffyspringer
by goolcaptain
Summary: How the gang should have found out about BuffySpike SpikeAnya. On the Jerry Springer show!


Summary; How Xander SHOULD have found out about Spike/Anya/Buffy  
Spoilers; End of season 6  
Rating; PG  
Pairing; light Willow/Tara although it features all the character relationships.  
Disclaimer; these characters do not belong to me but to Mutant Enemy productions and this fic is purely for fun and with no profit motive whatsoever. As for Jerry Springer, well I guess he belongs to himself? Anyway, this is purely for fun and no defamation of his character intended, pure fiction.  
Distribution; As you like it (are there any Jerry Springer fan sites?)  
If you're over 18 a much more adult version of this can be found under my name at adult fan fiction .net

BuffySpringer

"JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!" the crowd chanted as though the Christians were about to be thrown to the lions.  
"WHERE THE HELL IS HE?" Al thundered, striding through the corridors like General Patton. Clarice was unimpressed, leaning against the wall outside the dressing room and laconically taking another drag from her Marlboro Light.  
"Under the table. Again"  
Al let out a sigh. "Do you want me to go get the bouncers?" Clarice asked.  
He shook his head. "No, they almost broke his fingers last time. Go tell catering to get ready and phone the escort agency" He proffered her a card with the image a skimpily clad nymphet embossed upon it.  
Clarice shrugged and held up her mobile phone. "Got them on speedial"

"Jerry?" He rapped lightly on the door.  
"I'm not coming out"  
Al poked his head around the door. "Jerry you know you've got to come out and do the show. It's in your contract" he spoke softly.  
"I don't care, I'm not doing it" Al noted that he'd tried to prise the bars off the window in order to escape. He was so glad they'd had them reinforced. He bent down to see him crouched under the table, gripping onto its' leg for dear life.  
"But Jerry..."  
"I don't care, I'm not doing it. You can't make me. I can't go out there again, I just can't" He began to cry a little. Al took out a freshly laundered handkerchief and dabbed his tears.  
"Now Jerry, it's only half an hour of your life then it's all over. The limo will take you back to the hotel where they'll be a nice pot of hot tea waiting for you in your suite with a couple of top class hookers"  
Jerry wavered. "Nice tea?"  
"Earl Grey" Al assured him "And the hookers will be dressed a nurses" He noticed Jerry's grip on the table was loosening.   
"Can they be sisters?" Al helped him up and put his arm around his shoulders.  
"For you Jerry, I'll get twins" Al walked him to the door.

"JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!"  
He strode out, dapper, self-assured, effortlessly finding his mark and giving a charismatic smile to the camera. He extended his hand to the audience who obediently quietened down, listening avidly to his every word.  
"Hello everybody, now first on the show today we have Xander, hello Xander"  
He seemed uncomfortable. "Poor sap" thought Jerry "Hasn't a clue what he's in for"  
"Uh, hi Jerry, I just gotta say I'm a really big fan of the show and I'd like to say hello to all the guys at the construction site"  
"Thank you, now Xander we've got a little surprise for you, can we roll the clip please"  
He didn't watch the clip, he'd seen it before. Instead he watched Xander's jaw drop to the floor as he witnessed Spike and Anya on top of the table and each other at the magic shop. The crowd ummmed and ahhhed appreciatively at the clip.  
"Wow!" thought Jerry. "Better reserve myself a copy of that tape before the crew snap them all up!" The clip ended and he turned to his guest.  
"Well Xander, can you explain a little about that?"  
"Uh...ah..." He appeared to have lost the ability to speak.  
"That was your former fiancée Anya with your sworn enemy Spike, yes?"  
Xander nodded, his eyes seemed very white.  
"Well, lets hear from the 'lady' herself, welcome Anya!"  
Al held up the big sign saying "BOOOO NOW!" The audience responded with enthusiasm. Anya walked in looking flustered. She held out her palms to the audience.  
"What? What?"  
She sat down next to Xander. He looked at her with murder in his eyes. "How could you let that evil, unclean thing touch you?"  
"I don't know Xander how could you LEAVE ME AT THE ALTAR?" she turned to the audience who were gasping in disbelief and pointed to him for effect, "He (censored) LEFT me at the (censored) ALTAR! In front of (censored) everyone!"  
Al held up the sign again but there was no need. They were already booing. Xander quailed.  
"Time to stir up the mix" Jerry thought. "Well, let's hear from the other side of the story, everyone welcome Spike!"  
The bouncers really were professionals, they're timing was perfect. They let Xander strike Spike fully over the head with the chair before they broke them up. The crowd roared. "This is what it's all about" Jerry thought, "This is truly great TV"  
Something new was happening. A tiny blonde woman had appeared in the middle of the stage and was chucking bouncers around like they were rag dolls. Eventually she restored order and sat everyone down. Jerry was a little perturbed but he was a pro, he was unflappable.  
"Now Miss, please tell everyone who you are"  
"I'm Buffy, I'm a friend"  
"And what do you do?"  
"I work at the Double Meat Palace"  
"Big surprise there" thought Jerry. "Now Xander you were saying something to Anya?"  
"How could you let that (censored) piece of (censored) touch you?" he demanded again.  
"Well if it's good enough for Buffy?" Spike lit up a cigarette.  
The audience went wild. Xander glared at Buffy who looked towards the floor in shame.  
"Oh boy, this is terrific!" Jerry thought. He offered the mic to a woman in the audience wearing polyester and a huge, terrible, perm. "I'd like to ask a question of the trashy blonde..."  
"Buffy or Spike?"  
"Buffy. What I'd like to know is..."  
Buffy leapt from the chair and seized the woman around the throat. "Who you calling 'trashy' you (censored) ugly BITCH!"  
The woman fainted. The bouncers carried her away whilst Xander and Spike hauled a struggling Buffy back to her seat. Jerry decided they couldn't really stand this much fun, it was time to calm things down a little. "Let's have another opinion. Please welcome Willow and Tara"  
They came out holding hands. Xander, Buffy and Anya looked surprised and then broke out into a series of big smiles. Even Spike gave a happy shrug.  
"Now Tara, tell us a little bit about you and Willow"  
"Well first of all I'd like to say hello to my family who never miss a show and have asked me to get your autograph" She gave a little wave to the camera.  
"Sure" Jerry agreed.  
"Well, I've helped Willow solve her magic addiction and now we're back together" The audience and guests gave a huge 'awwww'.  
"And would you like to show Willow how you feel about her?"  
They kissed. The studio was filled with clapping and joyous hooting. Jerry beckoned Al over. "Print that and we'll use it out of context in our next lesbian show" Al nodded.  
Jerry turned to the camera "Time for my final thought. Love is a tempestuous and sometimes demanding thing. But if Willow and Tara can get over magic addiction and find each other again why can't we all just get along with one another and find our own magic? Until next week, take care of yourselves. And each other"  
The audience clapped along until their palms hurt. Jerry Springer basked in their applause. He faced the camera again "Be sure to tune in next week when our guest will be Mr Giles and the topic 'My Slayer's dress like hookers"  
Buffy snatched the mic from his hand and thrust her face into the camera. "If he's not too busy HAVING-SEX-WITH-MY-MOTHER!"  
"Boy, that's going to be a good show" Jerry thought as the audience went into hysteria.

"Play it again!" Faith shrieked. She appeared to have lost all control of her body  
"No, no!" Andrew exclaimed, rolling on the floor and kicking his feet in the air "I can't take it again"  
Dawn struggled to remain upright through her tears of laughter. She spotted Buffy standing in the doorway but still couldn't stop giggling.  
"Way to go B! No wonder they never let us watch this in prison" Faith observed as Buffy walked past her and wrenched the tape from the hotel room VCR. She wiped her eyes and stopped laughing for a few seconds in order to breathe. When she had sufficiently recovered she began again and broke out into fresh peals of mirth.  
Buffy held the tape up in front of Dawn, who still couldn't stop grinning. "Of all the things you could have salvaged from the wreckage of our home it had to be this?"  
"Relax sis" Dawn produced a piece of battered pink material from her kitbag. "It wasn't the only thing I found"  
"Mr Gordo" Buffy took him in her arms and held him tightly. He seemed a little the worse for wear but nothing a needle and thread wouldn't fix.  
"And we found this at the edge of the crater" Faith was serious for a moment, motioning to Andrew who removed a broken picture frame from his jacket pocket. Buffy, Joyce and Dawn lying together on the bed. Buffy was certain that her father would have plentyfamifamily photo's for them but this one was special. The Summer's girls. She traced her fingers over the precious, slightly creased image. Dawn joined her and held on to her arm.  
"Thanks guys"  
"Now can we watch the tape again?" Andrew asked.  
"Wait second" protested Faith pushing past him, "I better go to the bathroom first"  
"Yeah, good idea" he agreed hurrying after her.  
"I suppose we can" Buffy relented. She gave a slight, coy, smile.


End file.
